The following is a personal reflection on relationships, personal growth, and our relationship with God. It started by asking this simple question:

Why do I do the things I do?

This simple question revealed a great deal about myself and I thought to share some of them here. We often pay attention to our actions. We notice whether we helped, listened, prayed, served, sacrificed, forgave, or fulfilled our responsibilities. But perhaps we don’t always stop to examine what is motivating us.

The same action can come from very different places within us.

I can do something out of love.
I can do it out of fear.
Or I can do it out of necessity.

On the outside, the action may look exactly the same. But inside, something very different may be happening.

Living with another person

Living with a partner is a wonderful school of personal growth.

When two people share a home and a life, there are countless little things that need to be done. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, listening, compromising, helping, making plans, giving space, and sometimes simply doing something because the other person needs it. At times we may think: “I have to do this.” And sometimes that is perfectly reasonable. Relationships come with responsibilities. We cannot always wait until we feel loving or enthusiastic before doing what needs to be done. Many a times, if we wait for this feeling, we will never do anything. Or it is just me?

But there is an interesting question underneath the action:

Am I doing this because I love this person, because I am afraid of their reaction, or simply because I feel I have to?

Imagine that your partner asks you to help with something.

You might respond because you genuinely want to make their life easier.

That is love.

You might do it because you don’t want an argument, or because you’re afraid they will be disappointed or angry.

That is fear.

Or you might do it because you believe that, as partners, it is simply your responsibility.

That is necessity.

The action may be identical.

But the experience is not.

Necessity isn’t necessarily bad

I think that it would be too simplistic to say that everything must always be done out of love. There are responsibilities in every mature relationship.

Sometimes I don’t feel like washing the dishes. Sometimes I am tired. Sometimes I would rather be doing something else, like attending to my hobbies. Yet I do it because we share a life together. That isn’t necessarily a failure of love. In fact, love often expresses itself through responsibility (reminds me of Gal 6:2 and 1 Jn 3:18).

The important question is whether responsibility becomes merely an obligation or whether it gradually becomes an opportunity to care.

There can be a subtle transformation:

“I have to do this.”

becomes:

“This is my responsibility.”

and eventually:

“I choose to do this because I care about you.”

The external action hasn’t changed very much. But the heart behind the action has changed. That is personal growth.

What about fear?

Fear is more complicated.

Sometimes fear can motivate us to do good things. We might avoid hurting someone because we fear the consequences. We might keep a commitment because we fear letting someone down. But if fear becomes the primary motivation in a relationship, something is not quite right.

If I am constantly thinking:

“What will happen if I don’t do this?”

“Will they be angry?”

“Will they stop loving me?”

“Will there be an argument?”

then my action may look loving while my heart is actually operating from fear.

Fear can make us compliant.

Love makes us free.

This is an important distinction.

Love doesn’t mean that we never compromise or do things we don’t want to do. Rather, love means that beneath the compromise there is a free choice to seek the good of the other person.

And then there is spiritual life

Perhaps this question becomes even more revealing when we turn it towards our relationship with God.

Why do I pray?

Why do I go to Mass?

Why do I read Scripture?

Why do I try to forgive?

Why do I give to others?

Why do I try to live according to the Gospel?

The answer may sometimes be uncomfortable.

Perhaps I do these things because I love God.

Perhaps I do them because I feel I have to.

Perhaps I do them because I am afraid.

There can be a spirituality of fear:

“If I don’t pray, something bad might happen.”

“If I commit this sin, God will punish me.”

“If I don’t do what God asks, perhaps He will abandon me.”

There can also be a spirituality of necessity:

“A good Catholic should pray.”

“I have to go to Mass.”

“I should say my prayers.”

“This is what I am supposed to do.”

And there can be something deeper:

“I pray because I want to be with God.”

“I go to Mass because I want to encounter Christ.”

“I read Scripture because I want to hear what God is saying to me.”

“I forgive because I have experienced God’s mercy.”

This is the movement from obligation to relationship.

The journey of spiritual maturity

Perhaps spiritual growth is not simply about doing more religious things.

Perhaps it is about allowing the reason behind what we do to change.

A child may obey because of fear of punishment.

A mature person begins to understand the reason behind the rule.

Eventually, a person may choose the good not because they are forced to, but because they have come to love the good.

Something similar can happen in our relationship with God.

We may begin with:

“I have to.”

Then:

“I should.”

Then:

“I want to.”

And finally:

“I love.”

The actions may remain remarkably similar.

We still pray.

We still attend Mass.

We still serve.

We still forgive.

We still sacrifice.

But something inside us has changed.

We are no longer simply fulfilling requirements.

We are responding to love with love.

Jesus and the movement from obligation to love

The Christian life ultimately begins with God’s love for us.

We do not love God first and then persuade Him to love us.

God loves us first. (1 Jn 4:19)

Our response is to receive that love and gradually allow it to transform us.

This changes the way we understand Christian practice.

Prayer is no longer merely a duty.

The Eucharist is no longer merely an obligation.

Service is no longer simply something good Christians are expected to do.

They become responses to a relationship.

Just as a husband or wife may do something for their partner simply because they know it will bring joy, the Christian gradually learns to ask:

“What can I do today in response to the love God has already given me?”

That is a very different question from:

“What do I have to do to be a good Christian?”

A question worth asking ourselves

Perhaps we can take some time to look at ordinary things in our lives.

Think about your relationship with your partner, family, friends, work, community, and God.

Choose a few things you regularly do.

Then ask:

Why do I do this?

Is it love?

Is it fear?

Is it necessity?

And perhaps there is another question:

Can something I currently do out of necessity gradually become an expression of love?

That may be where real personal growth begins.

We cannot always change the circumstances of our lives.

We cannot always change what needs to be done.

But we can sometimes change the heart with which we do it.

The dishes still need washing.

I am going to be tired and weary.

The difficult conversation still needs to happen.

The person still needs our help.

The prayer still needs to be said.

The commitment still needs to be honoured.

But perhaps I can choose to do these things differently.

Not because I am afraid.

Not simply because I have to.

But because I have freely chosen to love.

From “I have to” to “I choose to”

Maybe this is one of the great movements of personal and spiritual growth:

From fear to trust.

From obligation to responsibility.

From responsibility to freedom.

From freedom to love.

Love does not eliminate responsibility.

It transforms it.

And perhaps the most mature form of love is not the absence of duty, but the moment when duty itself becomes an expression of love.

So today, perhaps we can pause before one of the ordinary things we are about to do and ask:

“Am I doing this out of love, fear, or necessity?”

And if the answer is necessity, perhaps we don’t need to judge ourselves.

We can simply ask:

“How can I do this with love?”

That small change in question can become a big change in life.

Because sometimes personal growth isn’t about doing something completely different.

Sometimes it is about doing the same thing with a different heart.

Today, I began to reflect on these things. Perhaps tomorrow, I will begin to live them out: to love more deeply, more faithfully, and more like Jesus. May God grant me the grace to become more like Him, not only in what I think and believe, but in how I love and serve others.